Nineteen Years Old
by therealesther
Summary: She knows it, it screams from her very bones to the tips of her fingers, it should not have happened this way.


Disclaimer: I don't know Naruto. Or Hinata, just lucky for her...

**Nineteen Years Old**

Hinata is 19 years old when she loses her virginity. Unlike the other kunoichi of her generation, it is not on some mission with a sleazy target who must be duped by soft skin and red lips, nor is it a clumsy, breathless fumbling with a friend and team mate since childhood, nor yet is it a bleak, hopeless attempt at feeling human warmth after a mission that shattered all she thought she knew.

Instead, it is quiet and sedate, occurring between snowy linen sheets with the moonlight streaming through the window. It is on her wedding night, after the ceremony which has bound her to a 42 year old man who she had never met before this day. He was selected by the clan as a worthy candidate of great wealth and prestige, with a few family ninjutsu to round out the bargain.

When he takes her, he is polite bordering on considerate, so quiet as to be almost silent, and having done his duty, he leaves the room straight afterward. His red-haired mistress' bed is more inviting than his new wife's, after all.

Hinata lies still and silent on her back for a few minutes, then abruptly rises and crosses the room, still naked, to her mirror. She kneels down before it and looks at herself. Nothing has changed, she thinks. She looks no different than she did a day before, or even an hour before. Nothing has changed, she repeats to herself. This was a day that had been inexorably approaching since her birth; as heir to Konoha's oldest clan, there could have been no other way. It is an advantageous marriage that has turned her from an innocent maiden into a fully-fledged woman of power and position. The reasons are logical and firmly imprinted on her psyche.

Then she glances down, sees a smear of dried blood on her thigh. In the dim moonlight, it looks almost black against the milky white skin. An agonising tightness seizes her chest suddenly and constricts her breathing. She opens her mouth and gasps, desperately gulping down air. One hand clutches at her chest, the other rises, shaking, to bury fingers in her inky black locks, and she finally lets go of her composure. She can't stop the thoughts now, the raging storm that obliterates the logical reasons. She knows it, it screams from her very bones to the tips of her fingers, _it_ _should not have happened this way._ And hard on the heels of that thought, like a natural progression, Hinata thinks of -

_Naruto. _

Blue eyes, strength and a smile.

_Naruto. _

Hopes and dreams.

_Naruto._

Unattainable.

Her mouth is open in a soundless scream as the crushing sense of loss and futility floods her brain; she sinks to the floor, buries her face in the sheet strewn across the tatami mats. It quickly becomes damp from her burning tears.

Later, she will fall into a dreamless sleep of exhaustion, and wake up, with nothing to show the clan the next morning but a rigidly composed exterior.

Later, she will again submit to performing her marital duties. She will lie still and pliant as a fallen flower, and again, her husband will leave without a word before morning.

Later, the red-haired mistress will become heavy with child, while Hinata does not, and the Hyuuga clan will furiously demand an annulment of the marriage. When the document of annulment is signed and sealed, Hinata will feel a great weight slide from her shoulders. That night, when she sleeps alone and peaceful, she will fall into a gentle sleep, and wake up the next morning with a smile, and fleeting impressions of rough callused fingers and laughing blue eyes.

Much later, Hinata's heart will be pounding when she is to be sent on a mission alone with Naruto. The Hokage will hand her the scroll with a wink and a smile. Tsunade's smile will be nothing compared to Naruto's grin when he pulls Hinata close and whispers, "It took me half a salary's worth of sake to get this mission set up for us, so let's not waste it, huh."

Later, she will wake up sweaty and exhausted, her hair in a tangled mess, and her cheeks will ache with smiling. Naruto will be snoring softly, deep in sleep, but not so deep that he doesn't protest, reaching out to gather her back into his strong arms when she tries to sit up. She will gladly slump back down beside him and drift back into sleep.

One day, Hyuuga Hinata will be so happy. But on this day, on this night, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. So she weeps silently, curling slowly in on herself, until sleep mercifully takes her.

Hinata is 19 years old when she loses her virginity.

_It should not have happened this way. _

**Author's Note: Can't believe I wrote this, but I felt so much angst for Hinata building up, just thinking about how trapped she is by her position as a Hyuuga. Unless Naruto becomes Hokage, or they elope, or something, she'll never get her happy ending...what did you think?**


End file.
